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Day 28: Starting Over with a Change of Panties

31 Days of Starting Over
A Clean Pair of Shorts

In Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, after a shotgun is pointed at him through a peephole, Jim Carey says, “I’m looking for Ray Finckle… and a clean pair of shorts.” I laughed harder at this line than any I can remember in a long time.  I mean who in the world cannot imagine a similar situation where you may have needed a “clean pair of shorts?”

Big Girl Panties

A friend of mine is going through a pretty rough divorce right now and has been instructed by her attorney to put on her “big girl panties” and “keep them on!” We’ve had some pretty good laughs about this because briefly put, while her bloomers may be nude in color, they are firmly in place and have been for 20+++ years. But, whether they are “big girl panties” or not, we’re not so sure.

The phrase has been around for several years now. The meaning is obviously a metaphor for acting in a mature manner in regards to something stressful in your life. Divorce is likely one of the most stressful things a person can go through and a perfect opportunity for wearing your “big girl thongs.”

In this writer’s opinion, this is a perfect opportunity to pull out all the wedgies and re-shape your thinking toward a single purpose. If your soon-to-be ex was testing the diversity waters and racing toward a bikini cut before your hipsters were legally re-fashioned, then yes, it’s time to put on your “big girl panties!” But, please, don’t let them be visible. Panty lines are never cool. Keep your lingerie intimate. In other words, may your edges be vanishing, your girdle conceal the heartache, and your shapers smooth out all the bumps and ridges.

Wearing “big girl panties” must insinuate that you’ll be evolving into a woman who marches bravely toward the reconstruction of your life. This will be complete with a shift toward a more modern french cut, while taking an about-face in regard to allowing the whitey-tighties in your life to get your panties in a wad.

Mature Panties

Your mature panties will incorporate developing a correct fit that is perfect in style and laces up the “flirt factor” of your future. Because, while a young woman in the beginning stages of the divorce process may need to “keep her panties on” until the divorce is final, she may also need a shotgun and a peephole to keep her shorts clean.

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